The Three Musketeers

By Iulia Calota

Plot Summary – Athos, Porthos and Aramis have settled into retirement in the beautiful region of the Bearn, when they receive news from their old brother in arms, D’Artagnan, that he will stop over in their village on his way to escort the Queen back to Paris. Little do they know that Milady de Winter is still seeking revenge on Athos and has been commissioned by the Cardinal Richelieu to start a war with Spain, with help from Spanish scoundrel, Don Juan de la Rioja. What Milady de Winter herself doesn’t know is that Porthos’ daughters know a thing or two about how to use a sword.

Cast – 23 (mixed cast as director sees fit, some roles can be doubled up)

Characters – Ella Marmalade, Porthos, Kitty, Athos, Aramis, D’Artagnan, Simone, Samedi, Milady de Winter, Don Juan De La Rioja, Queen of France, Jean-Paul Baptiste de Nullepart, Marjorie, Cyrano de Bearn, Cardinal Richelieu, Brie, Camembert, Roquefort, Petit, Bandits, Gavroche.

Scenes – An Inn, Countryside, Hotel room, Dungeon, Outside

Photo credit – 64 Players

An excerpt from The Three Musketeers


Scene 1

An inn is to one side on the stage, with a few tables and chairs scattered about, a bar in the back. The backdrop on a medieval town at the other end. Cyrano De Bearn walks in, with a saxophone. Romantic saxophone melody plays as he walks in.

Cyrano  Good evening, everybody. Cyrano de Bearn, poet, at your service. I spend my nights serenading under balconies to make young women fall in love with their suitors. A talented fellow like me can make an honest living by lying about their qualities. In fact, I have a new job  to write an epic poem about the lives and adventures of the three, sorry, four Musketeers. This is how it begins. Athos, Porthos and Aramis have now hung up their swords and are enjoying retirement in the beautiful region of Bearn. Athos is renovating his big old chauteau in the village of (INSERT LOCAL TOWN), Porthos is now a chef and restauranteur and has opened a local auberge, while Aramis has once again pledged his love to God and has become a monk. d’Artagnan is still working but looking forward to his retirement…’

Gavroche  (Walks in and tugs at Cyrano’s coat) Mister, mister, do you have a coin to spare?

Cyrano  Leave me alone. I’m in the middle of something. Shoo. 

Chorus start walking in with baskets, setting us stalls.

Gavroche  (He points at Cyrano and laughs) Look everybody, it’s Pinocchio!

Cyrano  (Running after Gavroche with his saxophone) I’ll give you Pinocchio! No good street urchin.

Gavroche  (As he’s being chased) You will never catch me! 

Milady de Winter walks in and starts looking at the stalls. She notices a puddle. Don Juan takes off his cape and puts it in front of her. She steps on his cape.

Don Juan Milady de Winter, how ravishing you look today. New wig? New face powder? New bosom glitter?

Milady  Don’t call me by my real name, I’m incognito. (Moving at the edge of the stage).

Don Juan  In Cognito? No, no, you’re in (INSERT LOCAL TOWN).

Milady  (Rolling her eyes and talking to the audience) Pretty, but dumb, isn’t he? (Returning to speak to Don Juan) I have word the Queen is travelling from Spain and will be stopping in the Bearn. I need you to seduce her and get her to give you her diamond necklace as a sign of her love. We will leak the information that the Queen has a Spanish lover, and the Cardinal can finally have his war with Spain. 

Don Juan  I thought he wanted a war with England. 

Milady  I don’t think he cares at this point. He’d go to war with Switzerland if he could. Have you managed to hire the people we talked about? 

Don Juan  Actually, it turns out there are no criminals in this village. We might have to go further afield. 

Bandits 1 & 2 start stealing from the stalls and Milady spots them.

Milady  You were saying? 

Don Juan  I have not seen them before. (Turning towards the bandits, he calls them over). You lot, get over here. Are you interested in a well-paid job?

Bandit 1  No, thanks. We don’t like to work.

Don Juan  Some might argue stealing is work too. 

Bandit 2  (Conceding) And sometimes not well paid. 

Milady  We don’t have all day. I need you motley crew to rob a carriage later today. Can you manage that?

Bandit 2  And what’s in it for us?

Milady  The spoils.

Bandit 2  We want half now and half after. 

Milady  I can’t give you the spoils now, idiot. They’re in the carriage. Or, you know what, you could go to jail. (She starts waving at a gendarme) Officer, officer! 

Bandit 1  (Stopping her) All right, we’ll do it. 

Bandit 2  Can I bring my wife?

Milady  You can bring your grandmother, for all I care. As long as you rob the blooming carriage. 

Don Juan  Meet me behind the tavern and I’ll give you all the details. (Bandits leave).

Milady  Don’t forget. She must fall madly in love with you and we don’t have a lot of time to make it happen. Impress her like Antonio Banderas. 

Don Juan  Whatever, my lady desires. (He leans in to kiss her hand but she’s already turned around and left. Embarrassed, he leaves stage as well). 

Ella Marmalade walks in, followed by two girls, Simone and Samedi. Simone is dressed very girly and Samedi is dressed in black with heavy eye makeup goth-style. 

Ella  Bonjour, everybody! I am delighted to make your acquaintance. (She goes around to market stalls, shaking people’s hands and then turns to the audience.) My name is Ella Marmalade and I am the head mistress at the Superior School of Sisters with Special Skills, or for short SSSSS. Also, I just love pop music. From now on when I say ‘Bonjour,’ can you say back ‘Ella, Ella, Ella’? Shall we try it now? (Audience reacts). Now, I normally don’t spend the summer holidays teaching students, but since Simone and Samedi insisted they wanted to continue their martial arts and fencing… I mean, errrr crochet and deportment classes, well, let’s just say I have a soft heart. Oh, there they are, my little protégées!

Simone  I’m dying for a full French breakfast, after all that travelling. What about you, Samedi? You don’t look very happy?

Samedi  I’m happy inside. Besides, that night coach was ghastly. They didn’t even have wifi. My TikTok fans must think I’ve fallen down a rabbit hole. 

Ella  But I made-up for it with my singing, didn’t I?

Samedi  Some might say you overcompensated. 

Simone  I wouldn’t try out for Eurovision just yet. 

Ella  I think I just felt a raindrop on my shoulder. And you know what that means? 

Simone  Unfortunately.Samedi  Let’s get this over with. 

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