By Samantha Cartwright, Emma Houldershaw and Alexsia Louca
A superbly delicious original show set in the world of a local slimming club, it’s all about the calories – and the music, of course.
Cast Pauline (F), Mo (F), Valerie (F), Fiona (F), Sarah (F), Barry (M), Olivia (F), Belinda (F), Heather (F), Scott (M), Kady (F), Del (M),
An excerpt from Fat! So?
ACT 1
The stage is set as a slimming club, chairs in a semi-circle around the back of the stage. Band stage left, entrance to the slimming club is stage right. Desk with scales and promotional stand, pic of Valerie up. Posters on walls, Karate here, showing this is a community centre. Drinks area stage right. Far stage right is a graffiti wall to show outside. All curtains removed, wall hides stage entrance. Set up North.
Pauline and Mo enter through audience and stop far stage right
Pauline and that’s when I saw ‘em, down the alley, next to the dog and duck, they were all over each other
Mo and you’re sure it was Tracy?
Pauline Yeah, Tracy from no. 5, the one that buys the expensive toilet paper
Mo Was she wearing them leopard leggings?
Pauline She’s never out of ‘em
Mo Well, she nearly was that night
They laugh and light a cigarette
Pauline Do you think you’ll have a loss this week?
Mo Well I’ve been really good today so I ‘ope so
Pauline yeah same, I’ve been good today and half the day on Wednesday
Mo I reckon you’ve lost, you don’t look as bloated as you did last week
Pauline Really, ya think? I don’t want to lose too much, it wouldn’t suit me
Fiona and Valerie enter, Fiona is carrying a los, Valerie is first, she hears the end of the
conversation and does a ‘yeah right’ look, Fiona starts dropping things, Valerie doesn’t
notice. Pauline and Mo help her.
Fiona Thanks ladies, good to see you here bright and early
Mo We’ll just finish this fag and be right in.
Fiona enters and talks to Valerie while she is putting the things down
Valerie There you are, what kept you?
Fiona Well, I…
Valerie Set that lot up over there, busy night tonight, lots to do. Did you see Pauline and Mo outside, don’t know why they bother coming every week, they never stick to plan.
Fiona At least they’re trying
Valerie Trying? Trying everything on the menu at the fish and chip shop more like
Scott enters with a cardboard cut out of himself, puts it down in front of Valerie’s cardboard
cut out and goes to get weighed, he’s flexing his muscles. Valerie huffs and moves it.
Kady, Sophia and two chorus enter through sr and line up, Sarah and Barry enter through
the audience at the same time
Sarah So I’ll meet you back here at 9.
Barry Yep, great, we can pick up a Chinese on the way home, it’s two for one tonight at Big Wong’s
Sarah he’s called Big Wong for a reason Barry, I don’t want a Chinese, I’m at Weight World, I’m trying to lose weight.
Barry Oh one night off won’t hurt
Sarah But it’s always one night off with you, you’re meant to be supporting me.
Barry (jokey, lovingly) oh Sarah, I’ll always support you, wobbly bits and all
Sarah Ger’off Barry, go home.
Barry Alright love, see you later, have fun at your fat club, see you girls (to Pauline and Mo)
P&M Bye Baz
Sarah (huffs)
She enters the club and lines up, he exits back through audience, action goes back to
Pauline and Mo. Belinda and three more chorus enter and line up
Pauline did you see that Barry
Mo Ooh, I definitely would
Pauline and he likes Chinese
Mo a man after me own heart
Pauline I’d help him eat his prawn balls any day
They laugh
Mo Why does Sarah come here anyway
Pauline I know, I’ve seen more meat on a butchers apron
Olivia and Heather enter through audience
Olivia Excuse me, is this the right place for Weight World?
Mo Nah, this is auditions for Britain’s next top model
Heather bursts out laughing in a bitchy way
Pauline Through there love, just join the line
Mo C’mon we better go in
Pauline I’ll meet you in there, gonna go bog first, that’s at least a pound
Song 1
After song everyone sits, it’s only Pauline and Mo who haven’t been weighed
Valerie Ok, good and bad points about this week then, oh before I forget, let me explain how this works for all the new members, Why wait to lose weight, you’ve taken the first step to feeling great, just follow our nutritious, delicious eating plan, you can do it with weight world, yes you can. So basically, turn up, pay £3, get weighed, if you lose, great, if you don’t I’ll tell you where you’re going wrong. So let’s discuss this week’s weigh ins.
Fiona er, sorry Valerie, but Pauline and Mo haven’t been weighed yet
Valerie Come on then ladies, you’re holding me up
Pauline steps on the scale and breathes in, Mo is removing every item of clothing that can
be removed. Fiona hands Pauline her book
Pauline Wow, I’ve lost half a stone
Fiona er, no, no, it’s half a pound (showing her on the book). But a loss is a loss, you’re going in the right direction
Pauline Oh right. But it’s still quite good in’it?
Mo is still stripping
Valerie I wouldn’t bother, won’t make much difference
Mo doesn’t notice and carries on, she steps on the scales
Fiona one pound gain
Mo No wait, one second, (she removes her bra, gets back on the scales)
Fiona one and half pound gain
Mo how is that even possible, your scales must be broke, I don’t understand it, I thought I’d been good this week
Pauline well you did have that curry on Saturday,
Mo Oh yeah
Pauline and you ate all them vol au vents at Sharon’s hen do,
Mo yeah
Pauline Three jugs of margeritas at Bingo
Mo for all that, I’ve done quite well to only put that much on
Fiona Just put this week behind you. Tomorrow’s a new day.
Pauline Don’t worry Mo, start again Monday
Mo It is Monday.
They sit down and Valerie talks to the group
Valerie Lots of losses this week, well done. But not for you Belinda, a two pound gain, what went wrong this week?
Belinda It was our 36th wedding anniversary on Thursday and I cooked Jim his favourite meal
Sarah Oh that’s nice Belinda
Belinda Well it would’ve been but he forgot and went out with his gardening club, I waited for quite a while, but then I was so fed up, I ate both meals meself
Fiona I’m sorry to hear that Belinda, we all have off days, don’t we ladies?
All agree