An excerpt from Joe White and the Seven Dorks by Samantha Cartwright
Scene opens at The Whites house. Father and Son are watching a game of football eating crisps and having fun
Joe Oh referee you must be kidding me that was definitely not a foal
Stuffing crisps into his mouth
Ted You’re right son they spend more time on the floor than they do actually on the ball
Joe You could play better than them Dad and that’s saying something
Ted Ha you can talk you have two left feet, remember when we used to go for a kick about in the park, you didn’t have a clue
Joe Well I was only four dad! We haven’t done that for ages, we should do it again soon, we would have a great laugh
Ted Yes we should son, but maybe don’t mention it in front of your stepmother, you know how she feels about football
Joe Ok sure, I’m surprised she let you watch the game today dad
Ted I don’t need her permission to watch a football match Joe, I’m a grown man you know
From offstage they hear noises as if a door has been slammed shut
Ursula Ted, Ted where are you?
Ted Quick turn that thing off and help me clean up this mess
John Thought you said……..
Ted Just do it son
Both frantically try and hide all the evidence, in walks Ursula laden with shopping bags
Ursula What an earth is going on in here
Ted Hi love, we were just…. erm… just
Joe Just working out a birthday surprise for you
Walking around them slowly as if interrogating them
Ursula Oh really that’s funny seen as though my birthday was last month John
Ted What he meant was…..
Ursula Don’t let another thing come out of your mouth Ted, I don’t want to hear more lies
Joe Ursula it wasn’t a big deal we were just watching the match together, a bit of father and son time, that’s all, ill clean up the mess I promise
Very stern and sarcastic
Ursula I see. Not a big deal then.
All three stand in silent looking awkward, in walks Bert, carrying lots more bags
Bert Sorry to interrupt but where would you like the rest of your shopping Mrs White?
Ursula Anywhere I don’t care, get the maid to unpack them all, and next time remember your place, your just staff you shouldn’t speak unless spoken to. We will talk later Ted.
Ted I’m so sorry Bert, she didn’t mean it, she is probably just tired from shopping
Joe Even so, she didn’t need to be like that Dad, what’s her problem
Ted She isn’t that bad, she just takes a little getting used to, that’s all
Joe I just get the feeling she doesn’t like me being around at all, and you seem almost scared of her Dad
Ted That’s silly I’m not scared of her, she is my wife, I don’t want to upset her that’s all.
Joe The way she makes the room go cold just by walking into it, it freaks me out
Ted That’s enough Joe, I wont have you talk about your mother that way
Joe She is not my mother! my mother was kind and loving and caring and warm
Ted And she has gone Joe. I miss her too, but I had to move on, and when I met Ursula I felt alive again
Joe Well your wallet certainly felt alive again
Ted What do you mean by that
Joe I’m just saying she seems to spend a lot of money, a lot of your money, she doesn’t work herself, the whole thing just happened really quickly and I’m worried about you.
Ted Well don’t be, I’m a grown man and I’m in control of my own life
Ursula Ted, Ted. Get up here now have you tried on that new jumper I got for you? your old one was disgusting, hurry up I need to go out again as well
Looks a bit panicked
Ted Coming dear
Hurries off stage. Joe sits down and puts his head in his hands, Bert joins him and touches his shoulder gently
Bert Is everything ok sir?
Joe Please don’t call me sir Bert you have known me since I was born, you are like an uncle to me, I just hate seeing dad be treated so badly but that woman, she obviously is only after his money, why can’t he see that?
Bert Your father believes he loves her, they met when he was very vulnerable and she took his mind away from sorrow and sadness.
Joe I want him to be happy, oh I don’t know maybe I just miss mum so much still
Bert I too miss your mother, she was such a lady. She would never have spoken to me like the present Mrs white does, but times change and we must change with them sir, I mean Joe.
Joe I guess your right Bert, might take a while though. Thanks for the chat Bert. I better get this all cleaned up before I get told off again.
Begins cleaning up, Bert exits