An excerpt from Swan Fake
Scene 1 – Prelude/ The Port
Song 1. Overture ends, the Fairy Cake enters Stage R front of tabs, a hyper young lady with a cherry on top of her hat & a skirt that looks like icing, she always enters throwing a handful of glitter and saying loudly Ping! (optional flash Gordon sound effect) she speaks with a sickly sweet voice.
Fairy: Ping! Oh, hello! I did not see you all sitting there! I really must pop to spec savers, anyway, hello ladies and gentlemen, my name is Fairy Cakes, get it? like the food? (looks off stage) I told you [stage manager] it was too sophisticated for them, I am the guardian of the magical forest! so you are all probably wondering what I am doing here aren’t you? [“Yes”] well you see I got lost on my way to [local bakery] to get some fresh icing for my dress, looks tasty doesn’t it? It’s my own secret recipe, but some how I must have taken a wrong turn, its not the first time, last week I ended up all the way in Croydon! Could you please tell me where I am now? [Local Town]Where? I couldn’t hear you? I must be going deaf, or it must be all of these expensive special effects we have this year, speak up now where am I?[“Location”] The kingdom of…[location] I’ve never heard of it, it must be ever so small, Well I come from the neighbouring kingdom of Erinas, yes a beautiful place full of Unicorns, rainbows and edible glitter (Fairy starts to pace as she describes the kingdom) Yes a very beautiful country but I’m afraid a very poor one too, the poor common folk can’t even afford to shop at Lidl![“Aww”] oh yes its all very very sad and gloomy and what’s worst the sweet, kind king Roland lost his dear wife the beautiful Queen eight years ago, not only that but there is a great evil! a terrible beast that flies down and destroys the town to nothing but dust every single summer and the master of this beast is an evil sorcerer! he is always skulking about the enchanted forest casting his dastardly spells, without a second thought he would turn you all into Prawn cocktails! Yes and that’s just for starters! He is the mean, foul tempered, hideous & ugly evil wizard Baron von Puff tart!
Rothbart: (From offstage) My name is Rothbart!
Rothbart runs on stage L with an evil tune, he is an evil looking wizard, Fairy C encourages the audience to boo and hiss.
Rothbart: Thank you, thank you! I am Baron von Rothbart and thank you all for coming to see my Pantomime!
Fairy: Your Pantomime?!
Rothbart: Of course! look at how the audience applauds me! Ha! You there! (points) call that a face or did your neck just vomit?
Fairy: Isn’t he horrible boys and girls! Rothbart, what are you doing outside the enchanted forest? up to no good no doubt!
Rothbart: Well look who it is! its everyone’s favourite guilty pleasure, Fairy cakes! its amazing what you can do with a sewing machine an old pair of curtains and some stale doughnuts!
Fairy: You can’t upset me Rothbart I’m too sugary sweet! and I demand to know what you are doing here, the king banished you from his kingdom eight years ago for trying to steal away his crown, what’s your evil plans now?
Rothbart: As if I would tell you! the king may have banished me away from his kingdom but that doesn’t stop me from appearing here in…in.. where am I again?
Fairy: [Local] read the script.
Rothbart: [Local]? never heard of it! it sounds small and pitiful
Fairy: You’re a poor excuse for a wizard, Rough fart!
Rothbart: That’s ROTHBART! Baron von Rothbart and I am the greatest wizard in the entire kingdom!
Fairy: You’re the only wizard in the entire kingdom
Rothbart: Because I turned all the others into Frogs! have come to [local] to set my trap! To steal away the kings young princess Odette and hold her ransom for the crown! or else I shall destroy it all with my terrible Beast!
Fairy: You monster! Oh no you wont!
Rothbart: Oh yes I will!
Repeat till satisfied.
Rothbart: Enough! Enough! Enough! It’s too early for all of that! Now I make my way now to the palace! then I shall steal the princess Odette! Then the Kingdom will be mine! I would destroy you all now but then we wouldn’t have a panto and the audience have already paid! Ta ta!
Rothbart disappears with more boos and hiss from audience & his evil tune off stage L.
Fairy: I can’t let him do it! not to the poor Princess, not little Odette! I must do something audience! I have to save her from that fiendish villain …. I have it! I shall protect her, yes! I will keep her safe in this kingdom. She will be arriving at the docks any minute now to meet the Queen Titania and her son the young Prince. Yes, if I go now I can make it in time, then I must go this instant! Good bye everyone (goes to leave but stops herself) Oh! and enjoy the show!
The fairy Cakes rushes off stage R waving frantically, lights go down on the front of tabs.
The curtains open, the lights come up to a market like town in the Kingdom near the docks, several villagers are walking about selling stuff, coming into the audience then back on stage for the opening number. SONG 2.
Number ends and two traders are yelling their lines, one holds an unusually large loaf of bread.
Trader 1: Try our new even smaller bottles of Shampoo! because your worthless!
Trader 2: Try our brand new Rain potions! get your rain potions here (stage whisper) Weather permitting!
Trader 3: New from ‘oh ye Balline!’ Thigh Shadow! Get your Thigh shadow here! Now available in three colours! Thigh Shadow!
Chester the Jester skips onto the stage, from stage L waving at the audience.
Chester: My gosh your majesty! this must be the smallest kingdom I have ever seen, I’ve seen doll houses larger than this place! what do you think Odette would you use it as a house for all your dolly’s back home? (He notices he is alone after comedy running in circle like a dog chasing his tail) Your Majesty? Your royal highnessessesses? (hold the S like saying the word “says” over and over again) King Roland? Princess Odette? oh now where have they got to? (sees audience) Excuse me but do you know where I can find a balding king and a little princess about this tall (indicates) by his side? [“No!”] No? then …they must still be on the ship, oh It’s a wonderful vessel with a sail and poop deck, its so vast, its named the SS [insert large celeb name]. Just look at it over there! I mean holy ship! that is one big boat! We have travelled thousands of miles across the sea to this kingdom, rumour has it that the king is trying to set up his daughter with the young prince here! yes, very match.com, I think they are a bit young though myself, they are only eight after all but then again who am I to judge? I am but a lowly Jester. [“Awww”] Chester the Jester is my name, you know what would cheer me up? when I come on stage and yell hello boys and girls I would like it if you could all yell back hello Chester! can you do that for me? [“Yes!”] well you don’t sound very sure, can you? [“YES!”] Good, lets give it a try, Hello boys and girls! [“Hello Chester!”] Try again, I could barely hear you over the sound of those market traders, come on everyone, grown ups too, Hello boys and girls! [“HELLO CHESTER!”] Great work! I’m the loyal servant to his majesty King Roland of Erinas & his young daughter the sweet little Princess Odette.
Do you want to hear a secret? (pause) I’ve only had this job a little while & I already don’t think I’m cut out for the job, you see both my parents were amazing circus clowns, the very best & they wanted me to follow in their footsteps and join family business but… but it was just such big shoes to fill! So instead I became an accountant, that was too dull, then I was a frontman for a rock band I started called the Angry Budgies (stops to briefly air guitar, optional sound effect) and that’s about the time I realised I liked standing on stage with people laughing at me! hey! would you like to hear a joke? [“Yes”] What’s brown & sticky…. a stick! see I told you, nothing but pity laughs, my parents laughed at me when I said I was becoming a royal Jester, But no ones laughing at me now!.. oh wait hang on!
King Roland enters stage R wearing a crown & royal robe, a young Princess Odette in a pretty dress is holding his hand.
Trader 1: Behold! its the King!
Trader 2: Kneel!
They kneel before him, Chester waves childishly.
Chester: Hello Neil! I didn’t know you changed your name, King Roland.
King: Oh there you are, at last my funny man! we wondered where you had ran off too!
Little Odette: Daddy, why does it smells here?
King: Oh yes, the smell, we call that (pause) Peasants (to audience) hello royal subjects! I am King Roland of Erinas and this is my young daughter, Princess Odette, (to Odette) go on give them a twirl (she does so) beautiful! Now remember my girl you must be very nice to young prince Siegfried, he is a very special boy, now where is Queen Titania? she was meant to meet us at the port, I suppose she must be running late.
Chester: I can’t imagine that woman running anything, if you know what I mean, I’ve heard tales of her your highness.
King: I hear she has perfect health for her age.
Chester: But she’s getting on a bit sire, I hear that when she was a little girl rainbows were black and white!
King: I heard she has an hourglass figure.
Chester: Yes but all the sand has fallen to the bottom!
A royal trumpet is heard from off stage, the comedy duo Ready and Saltted enter stage L blowing the horns, a man dressed in tweed is standing in front, he clutches his ears & falls to the ground comedically, when the music ends they take big breaths like they did it all on one breath, they speak out of breath panting.
Ready: Introducing her royal highnesses-
Saltted: Queen Titania the vulmptious-
Ready: And her son Prince-
Saltted: Siegfried the-
Ready: Twenty eleventh!
Both collapse as Queen Titania enters stage L, a dame & very vulmptious over the top dressed queen with her young son at her hand, he is reluctant to enter the stage, the King is instantly taken by the Queens “Beauty” , SONG 3.
Queen: Come along, Come along! we are already late, I may be getting old and forgetful but at least I am not old and forgetful!
King: Titania! my word, you look even more beautiful in person! Thank you so much for letting us stay this summer, Titania, you’re so kind and gorgeous-
King: Generous! You are a most generous host. It’s just like you said in your letter your country is so full of marine life.
Queen: Marine life?
King: You know… starfish, clams? you know marine crustaceans?
Queen: Oh Urchins! yes they are everywhere aren’t they? It was no trouble at all, Roland, perhaps we could make it a regular thing, these visits (winks) about once a year I think. Nothing like an alliance to strengthen our two kingdoms.
King: To show you just how grateful me and my little Odette are we have brought you many gifts from distant lands, Jester! the gifts if you please.
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