An excerpt from Pub Life by Samantha Cartwright
Stage is set in darkness. Kate enters, turns on the light and begins setting up the pub. She makes a phone call. The bar is central stage, with tables to the left and right. Kate in talking on the phone
Kate Hi ya Su it’s that time again love, yep I’m here already, I’m opening up in a minute, no I’m not early you must be running late, not to worry, I’ve got it all under control, take your time, ok, ok, see you soon
Mandy enters, puts her bag behind the bar
Mandy Hi Kate you all right?
Kate Yep fine sweetheart, if you wouldn’t mind bottling up cause Su is
Both Running late
Kate And Ruby isn’t
Both Here yet
Kate Same old same old you know the score
Mandy No worries I’ll make a start
Mandy goes behind bar and begins bottling up, Kate continues to set up pub when there are franticly banging at the door. Kate goes and opens it.
Kate Alright calm down we aren’t even open yet
As Kate opens the door, in rushes Del, quite agitated, Maria and Carol follow in behind
Del I saw you come in Kate and I didn’t think you would mind me coming in a bit early, you know I like my usual table and that, I won’t order till your open (continues to try and ramble on)
Kate Go on go on sit down
Del goes and sits down reading his paper
Maria Well there is something to be said when you’re in the pub before the cleaners
Carol He knocked us flying trying to get in here first
Kate You know what he is like ladies take no notice, Carol if you wouldn’t mind spending a bit more time on the smoking area today, it’s a right mess out there.
Carol I’ll start out there then
Kate And someone has thrown up all over the toilets Maria, I would have done it myself but I just couldn’t stomach it, sorry love
Maria What a great start to the day, right see you in a bit then Carol
Carol goes up to the smoking area, waves the duster about lazily and then sits down gets a magazine out of her bag and lights up a cigarette. Maria gets cleaning bucket from behind bar, and starts cleaning about. As Kate goes to close the door Alice comes through
Alice Hi, I’m the new barmaid
Kate You must be Alice, ok I know you have no experience in pub work but you will have to bare with me today cause I’m going to be quite busy for a while, grab that cloth, clean the tables and lay the beer mats out for now and as soon as I get a chance I’ll go through the ropes with you, ok?
Alice Right, ok, yes, ok no problem I’ll start that then
Alice goes over to the bar picks up the cloth and beer mats, as she turns drops all the beer mats on the floor, then starts picking them all up. In runs Ruby from the front door.
Ruby Sorry, sorry I’m here now I had a bit of a late one last night
Kate Start on the glasses Hun that would be great
Ruby opens up her bag starts applying lipstick and fluffing her hair
Ruby Yep no problem at all Kate, I’m on it right now. You all right Mandy?
Mandy Yeah you?
Ruby Knackered, banging headache as well, I’ve had two cans of red bull just to get me out of bed, who’s the new girl?
Mandy I haven’t met her yet, she seems a bit nervous
Ruby We can chat to her in a bit, make her feel welcome
Dave enters through the front door carrying equipment
Dave Hello ladies, nothing to fear disco Dave is here
All Hi Dave
Dave Can you hold that door open Kate the band are here as well
In enters all the band members, various greetings from all on stage. The band go and get ready as if they are setting up
Dave And where is the lovely Su may I ask?
Su appears at top of stairs in audience
Su Should my ears be burning?
Dave Ah here she is the lovely landlady herself
Su Hello everyone, looking good today girls, large G and T please Mandy, right I’m opening the doors get ready girls.
In walks Bradley reading newspaper
Everyone instantly goes back to pub life
Dave I must say you’re looking lovely as ever Su
Su completely ignores the comment, walks straight past and approaches Tony who is still chatting to Michelle and Helen the band singers
Su What happened to you last night? I waited three hours for you
Tony Excuse me ladies, oh babe didn’t you get my message, I left it with one of the girls behind the bar, something came up, couldn’t get out of it.
Su What came up? Or shouldn’t I ask
Tony Oh come on babe it’s no big deal let me make it up to you, I’ll take you for dinner later, nice slap up meal
Su is giving him the cold shoulder but smiling at the same time
Tony You know you can’t stay mad at me, come on who loves you babe
Su Oh ok you soppy thing (gives him a soppy smack on the arm)
Tony So you getting the drinks in babe
Su Of course perk of the job
Tony (under his breath) Perk of the relationship
Both go over to the bar and get a drink
Helen Can you believe the cheek of that man, he was over here chatting us up right in front of her
Michelle I know what you mean Helen but to be honest she lets him get away with it every time
Helen I heard he doesn’t really like her that he just uses her for the pub lifestyle, free drink’s, lock ins and a bed just upstairs whenever he fancies staying over
Michelle Funny you should say that when I was in the post office earlier that Pauline told me that she saw Tony coming out of Noreen’s at number 5 this morning
Helen She never!
Michelle Would I lie Helen? I tell you he is a waste of space that man, but who are we to judge, none of our business
Helen Very true Michelle we don’t listen to idol gossip we just keep ourselves to ourselves. Watch out he is coming back
Tony Here you go ladies it’s on Su
Both give each other I told you so looks. Vera and Tracey go to the bar and get drinks for the four drunks. Mobile phone rings, lots of people check their phones
Jake Hello Jake Boon speaking, right ok, yes that’s no problem, let me just check my diary Mr Cartwright, (putting hand over phone) I’ve got to take this outside (carries on speaking on phone in a formal manor and goes outside)
Bradley So where did you end up last night?
Danny I took this really fit girl out for a bite to eat and then we went back to hers
Bradley When you say a bite to eat, do you mean the kebab shop on the way home?
Danny Of course Bradley my son, every girl loves to be treated, she was well fit, long blonde hair, legs up to here, all over me she was
Bradley Nice, real nice Danny, I don’t know how you manage to pull so many girls I really don’t.
Danny Because I’m not fussy, unlike you
Bradley I’m not fussy Dan, I just think some girls are worth the wait
Danny Speaking of which, have you even asked her out yet?
Bradley Nah not yet, there is no rush though, I’m waiting for the right moment
Danny You’ve had plenty of opportunities, I’ve seen you two chatting in corners all secret like
Bradley It’s not secret like she just tells me her problems and that, she is a really sweet girl
Danny She’s all right but she is staff, staff are a no go for me
Bradley Why’s that?
Danny Because I come in here every day, and would have to see her every day and my relationships tend to stay together for 1 day, you get my drift
Bradley I get your drift you joker
Jake comes back in and sits down
Jake So then boys what we talking about?