By Paul Moore
Will beautiful Rosie prick her finger on a thorn of a rose and fall asleep for 100 years? Let’s hope not. Will Harry B East ever find someone to love him for who his is on the inside? Not if Big Mal has anything to do with it.
The cleverly combined tale of two classic fairy stories in one hilarious new Pantomime by Paul Moore.
Running time approx 100 minutes
Cast Moll T Tasker (M), Cooper Cashman (M), Rosie (F), Harry B East/Prince Astaire (M/F), Flabber and Gasted (M/F), Camellia and Holly (F), Big Mal (M/F), Greta Gateaux (M/F), Conn Sole (M/F), various chorus parts.
Scenes The Village, The Beast’s Castle, A Garden, Merchant’s Office
An excerpt from Sleeping Beauty & The Beast
ACT 1
Scene 1
Full set. The Bridesport village green (dockside), set up as a ‘welcome home’ party. Sound FX of waves and seagull cries, signifying that we’re at a port.
Song 1
Molly, Cooper, Rosa, Camellia and Holly, as well as the Chorus are discovered, all involved in and enjoying an up-tempo, happy and optimistic opening number,
Molly A big hello to one and all! Here we are on the Bridesport [local name option] village green. We’re having a party to welcome home the merchant’s ships and all their crew (the chorus cheers loudly, raising glasses) after a long trip to foreign lands. (To audience, pointing to Cooper) That’s the merchant over there: Cooper Cash, looking very pleased with himself. But let me introduce myself: Moll T Tasker is my name – Molly for short. I’m the merchant’s personal assistant: Cooper is nice, but he isn’t terribly bright, so it’s as well that I am the brains behind the operation. (To Cooper) Hello there, boss!
Cooper Hey there Molly. You’ve organised a great party for us. Today really is going to be a good day (the chorus cheers loudly once more) and then we can start selling our wares to the good people of the village and make oodles and oodles of cash. Cash by name, cash by nature as I often say.
Molly (sarcastically) Indeed you do, boss.
Cooper To think that I started my business with just one small boat, and now I’ve got four or five big ships. That makes me an Onterpineer; Enterpenair; (frustrated, louder) a great businessman! Always had an eye for deal, me.
Molly (to audience) It’s actually six trading ships that he now owns. I’m afraid that important details often go over the boss’s head. He does sometimes spot a good deal, but the business really only works because I make sure his profits are invested wisely. (To Cooper) Yes, boss, you are the real deal! Who else but you could bring in such high-quality merchandise from all over the world? We’ve got silks, carpets, spices, teas, horticultural products, and the finest dresses and gowns from Italy and France. (Cooper looks pleased. Camellia and Holly cheer loudly and do an excited dance.) And, what’s more, no pesky Protocol or fiddly Framework to get in the way of our imports! [Northern Ireland specific gag, but could be adapted to reference Brexit]
Molly (To audience, pointing at the sisters) Those two are Camellia and Holly, two of the merchant’s daughters. They enjoy their Dad’s wealth, but they’ve shown no interest at all in how the business is run. They seem to think that the business only exists to keep them in the finest clothes.
Rosie Honestly, Father. You should really know by now that we have six ships altogether. And that we will be selling our goods well beyond this village. In fact, we have more than thirty sales trips organised to towns and villages over the next six months.
Molly (to audience) Now we’re suckin’ diesel – or maybe these days we should be saying “shining solar”? That’s Rosie, the Merchant’s youngest daughter. She’s a different kettle of fish, altogether. Just turned sixteen, and, with a bit of help from me, she has already got a real handle on the business. Her Dad doesn’t realise it yet, but pretty soon I’ll be able to retire and leave the business in her capable hands.
Cooper Whatever you say, Rosie. And don’t you worry your pretty little head about sail ships or sales trips: I’m sure that Molly has got all that in hand – she’s so organised. Then all the lovely lolly will start rolling in. (Singing) We’re in the money, we’re in the money.
Camellia Oooh Father. It’s all so exciting. What colours do you think the new dresses from Nutella Nursepatchy will be?
Holly And do you think that any of those beautiful new gowns from Taco Strabane will be in my size?
Cooper Wait and see, girls, just wait and see. I’m sure there’ll be something special on board for each of you.
Camellia We’re going to look so elegant – and we’ll probably be knocked over by suitors rushing to our door with expensive gifts and offers of marriage! What are you looking forward to getting, Dozy Rosie, and are there any particular suitors that you want to impress?
Rosie I’ve really no time for all that mushy stuff, Cam. I’ll be happy just so long as we get everything safely on shore. Pretty much all the cash we have is tied up in these goods.
Holly You’re soooo serious and boring, Rosie. Relax! Enjoy life. Enjoy the finer things in life. And get into the party spirit, won’t you? What’s the point of a successful business if we can’t enjoy the profits?
Rosie That may be true. But it might be nice if you did something to help earn those profits once in a while. And while this is indeed a splendid party, (looks off to the horizon, as the chorus cheers once more) shouldn’t the first of our ships have come into view by now?
Molly Do you know, I was just thinking the exact same thing.
Dishevelled sailor enters, stumbling and out of breath, Stage Right
Sailor Mr Cash, sir! Ms Molly! It’s a disaster!
Cooper What’s a disaster?
Sailor The ships. They’ve gone down. All but one of ‘em.
Cooper Gone down to where, Donaghadee? [or any nearby local port]
Sailor No! To the bottom of the sea, sir. They’ve sunk!
Cooper Sunk?!
Molly (distraught) We’re sunk!
Rosie But what happened?
Sailor The lighthouse at Fairylittle Point wasn’t lit up last night and we must have sailed too close to the Black Rocks. The rocks tore us to pieces. The skipper of the Good Ship Cash and Carry, which was at the rear, was the only one able to save her ship – damaged, she was, but still afloat.
Camellia Oh No! All those beautiful Italian dresses!
Holly And the wonderful French Gowns!
Rosie Never mind all that. What about the crews? Is everyone safe?
Sailor Everyone is accounted for, Miss Rosie. And we’ve got Ms Molly to thank for that. Remember she insisted that we put lifeboats on each ship? Those boats may have cost Mr Cash a few extra quid…
Cooper They did, and I wasn’t happy about it…
Sailor …but lifesavers, they were. Everyone was able to get into a boat as their ships went down. The Cash and Carry and all the lifeboats limped into Donaghadee [local port] harbour an hour or so ago and they sent me over to give you the news.
Cooper I am glad everyone is alive, I really am. But how can my business come back from this? Molly! You need to get on to those two legal boyos. Get them to find out who’s to blame. And why the lighthouse keeper didn’t keep the light lit? (With a sigh) I’ve only a few quid left in the bank, so I can’t afford any pay for the skippers, or the rest of the sailors. Not to mention the trouble I’ll be in with that smelly fairy. I’m finished. (A beat) I think it’s all over. It is now.
Cooper exits, Stage left, dejected, along with a shocked Camellia and Holly. Chorus members also exit, stage right, The Sailor looks stunned.
Rosie It will be all over if we do what Dad says. We can start the business again from scratch by selling whatever goods we can save, and if we get the Cash and Carry repaired, we can restart our overseas trade. But no-one will work for us or set sail with us if Dad doesn’t pay the crew.
Molly You have a knack for this, Rosie. You’re absolutely right. The crews have been through a hard enough time. What’s your name, sailor?
Sailor Boatman, Ms Molly. Billie Boatman.
Molly Well, Billie Boatman. Thanks for bringing us the news, unwelcome as it was. There obviously can’t be any bonuses in the circumstances, but I’ll make sure you and your shipmates get the basic pay you were promised.
Sailor Thanks Ms Molly. The crew will appreciate that. And we’ll be there to help you out whenever you need us. (Exits Stage left.)
Molly I’ll go and juggle the numbers and work my magic on your Father so he does the right thing, Rosie. Can you get a ride to the port and make a list of what has been salvaged? You and I can take it from there.
Rosie On it. (Exits with purpose, Stage right.)
Molly I’m sure he said something about a small wee ferry, too, or was it a smelly fairy? I must ask him when I see him.
Curtain
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