Land of the Greedy Moose

By Vincent Scarsella

Take a world renowned theme park, an ex mobster in witness protection and a corrupt security guard and the scene is set for the ultimate heist. But just who will come out on top?

Land of the Greedy Moose is a hilarious new Jukebox Musical which can also be performed as a one act play.


4 Male, 3 Female, 2 M/F

An excerpt from Land of the Greedy Moose


Scene 1

Lights up on Ronnie sitting on a witness chair facing the audience, centre forestage.  The Prosecutor is standing behind a table at an angle to the right, facing him. Projected on the screen is an image of an actual courtroom.

Prosecutor  What crime family were you a member of, Mr. Rinuccio?

Ronnie  The Tantinos.  Nicky Tantino’s family.

Prosecutor  Did you belong to a particular crew in that family?

Ronnie  Yeah, sure.  I was in Fat Tony Botteri’s crew.

Prosecutor  Did you have a nickname while a member of the Botteri crew?

Ronnie  Yeah, sure.  I was called, “the kid,” Ronnie “the kid.”

Prosecutor   Why were you given that nickname?

Ronnie Why?  Well, because I was twelve, a kid, when I started working in Fat Tony’s crew.

Prosecutor   What criminal activities did you engage in while a member of Fat Tony’s crew?

Ronnie   What activities?  Let’s see:  Ah, Burglary, robbery, arson, theft, gambling, extortion, loansharking, carjacking, money laundering, drug dealing, forging Covid vax forms,

and sometimes, you know, jaywalking.

Prosecutor  How about murder?

Ronnie  Oh, yeah, that too.  But not much.  You know, coupla times.

Prosecutor  Did you ever personally kill anyone, Mr. Rinuccio?

Ronnie  No, I never pulled the trigger, if that’s what you mean.  I just helped out.  You know, drove the get-away car on a hit, cut up the body after the fact, or, you know, dug some holes.

Prosecutor At whose behest did you engage in these criminal activities, including murder?

Ronnie  At whose behest?  Well, at the behest of Fat Tony Botteri.

Prosecutor  And to your knowledge, who authorized Fat Tony Botteri to engage in such activities?

Ronnie   Nicky Tantino.  We kicked up to Nicky a percentage of whatever we stole.  And sometimes Nicky ordered someone hit, we did that, too.  If Fat Tony wanted someone hit, Nicky had to approve it.

Prosecutor  For how long after the age of twelve did you engage in the criminal activities you’ve just admitted?

Ronnie   For how long?  Well, until youz guys caught me coupla months ago.  You know, when you bugged my phone and found out I was dealing coke with Joey “Pizza Face” Tantino.

Prosecutor  What relation is Joey “Pizza Face” Tantino to Nick Tantino?

Ronnie  His younger brudder.

Prosecutor   What role did Joey Tantino play in your sale and distribution of cocaine?

Ronnie We was partners.

Prosecutor   I am  going to play a tape recording of a telephone call made between you and Joey Tantino.

Ronnie  Okay.

Joey Tantino enters and is on his cell phone near the edge of the stage.  Ronnie takes out his cell phone and they engage in the following call.

Joey Tantino  Hey, it’s me.

Prosecutor  Can you identify, Mr. Rinuccio, the voice of the person who just spoke?

Ronnie  Yeah, sure.  That’s Joey Tantino.

Prosecutor  Alright.  Let’s continue.

Ronnie  (to Joey Tantino) Yeah, what’s up?

Prosecutor  And that was you speaking?

Ronnie  Yeah, that was me.

Prosecutor  Okay.  Continue.

Joey Tantino  You see that guy last night?

Ronnie  What guy?

Joey Tantino   You know – that one guy.

Ronnie  You mean that fat guy?

Joey Tantino  No, not that guy, the other guy.

Ronnie  Oh, yeah.  The other guy.  The lawyer, you mean.  Yeah. I seen him.

Joey Tantino  And?

Ronnie  And, he said he ain’t got it.

Joey Tantino  He ain’t got it?  Still?

Ronnie   Yeah, still.

Joey Tantino  What’d you tell him?

Ronnie   Told him he better get it, by Friday, latest.  He said, Okay.  Big guy be alright with that?

Joey Tantino  Yeah, sure.  Coupla days.  What we gonna do – break his legs?

Ronnie  No, yeah.  I think he’s good for it.

Joey Tantino  It’s a lot, though, ten dimes, right?

Ronnie  Yeah, ten.  But, like I said, I think he’ll pay.  He’s a degenerate, right?  Told him he’d be cut off this weekend he didn’t pay by Friday.  Right away, he said he’s got some client money he can borrow.  Stealing from Peter to pay Paul.

Joey Tantino  Yeah.  From Peter to pay Paul. What about that other thing?  You know.  The big guy wants to know when he’s getting his cut.

Ronnie  What other thing?  The white stuff?

Joey Tantino  Sh!  Not on the phone…but yeah, the white stuff.

Ronnie  I’m flying down there tomorrow, be back tomorrow night, late.  Day after tomorrow, I’ll have his cut.

Joey Tantino  Good.  He’ll be pleased.  That’s it then.  So, what’dya wanna do today?

Ronnie  I dunno.  What’dya wanna do?

Joey Tantino  I dunno. What’dya you wanna do?

Ronnie  I dunno.  You?

Joey exits and Ronnie puts away his cell phone.

Prosecutor  Could you describe what you and Joey Tantino were talking about during this telephone conversation?

Ronnie  Sure, yeah.  First, we was talking about collecting a gambling debt from this lawyer, Don Grable, a big-time degenerate gambler.  He owed one of Fat Pauly’s offices about 10k. I told him he couldn’t bet no more until he paid, and he paid real fast.  Then we talked about me going down to Pittsburgh to deliver some high quality cocaine to some dealers down there.  Nicky Tantino had put up the cash for the coke and he was to get a 40% cut of our take.  But he never got it because you guys nabbed me and the money at the airport on my way back from Pittsburgh.  So, here I am.

Prosecutor No further questions, your Honor.

The Defence Counsel stands and approaches Ronnie on the witness chair. 

Defense Counsel  Mr. Rinuccio, by testifying this morning for the government, you’ve avoided prison and been entered into the federal witness protection program, correct?

Ronnie  Yeah, sure, that was the deal I made with the feds.

Defense Counsel  You said your nickname was Ronnie “The Kid” Rinuccio, right?

Ronnie  Yeah, sure.  Ronnie “the Kid.”

Defense Counsel  Well, haven’t you earned a new nickname by testifying today – Ronnie “The Rat” Rinuccio?

Ronnie stands and walks to front of stage to address audience

Ronnie  Yeah, sure, that’s right.  I’m now Ronnie “The Rat” because I flipped to the feds and sold out my crew and bosses to avoid life in prison.  So, what choice did I have – you know?  It’s like, I fought the law, and the law won.

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