Agony Aunt Tilly, with a wealth of problem solving advice, embarks on running problem solving evening classes at a local primary school – ‘Sex for the Over 60s’. Advertising her Date Nights, she is disappointed when only 4 ladies turn up, all with their own expectations and agendas.
Eco-warrior and Communal Farm member Sheila (call me ‘Shee’), Classic car widow Pam, Cake baker extraordinaire Helen, and Cougar Tanya are all expecting very different things when they find out about the new evening classes – ‘Date (K)nights – Save the Date’.
Despite their initial unfulfilled expectations, will they all get satisfaction in the end?
CHARACTERS: 5F
Tilly 45-60. Organiser of Sex for the Over 60s
Sheila (Shee) 50s. Eco-warrior, Recycling nerd. Single, living in a communal farm.
Pam 60s. A typical ‘Granny’. Knitter extraordinaire, worn down by life.
Helen 60s. A larger lady. Always on a diet; very keen baker.
Tanya 50s. Glamorous cougar. Looking for her shining Knight.
An excerpt from Date (K)Nights
Scene 1
The Inaugural meeting of ‘Sex for the over 60’s” A Primary school sports hall. There are 2 low school chairs, a long low bench, a crash mat, possibly other gym equipment (balls, racquets etc). There is only one standard village hall style adult chair.
Tilly enters, with headphones connected to her phone.
SFX: ‘I can’t get no Satisfaction’ in background, covered of Mick Jagger by a female artist, coming from Tilly’s mobile phone.
Tilly sings along whilst setting up the room, her paperwork, pens, questionnaires, and laptop from a large organiser handbag.
She gathers the bench, and 2 small chairs, and puts her own chair in front of them. Tanya pokes her head around the ‘door’.
Tanya: Hello? Oh, hello? Am I in the right room for the discussion on date nights?
Tilly: Yes, yes. Please. Come in. I’m Tilly.
Tanya: Tanya. Oh. I thought – I’m a bit on the drag I’m afraid. Am I the only one?
Tilly: No, no. We’re running a bit late as we had to relocate. They found RAAC in the classroom we were supposed to be in, so they put us in here. In case the roof came down.
Tanya: Well, that would certainly make the earth move!
Tilly: Yes. Indeed it would. We have a few more coming soon.
Tanya: Good – the more the merrier, I say. Do you need a hand getting some more chairs?
Tilly: No, no – this is fine.
Tanya: (surprised) Really?
Tilly: Please – do take a seat. Did you book?
Tanya: Yes, I emailed last week. Tanya Willis.
(Tilly marks her off the list. Helen enters)
Helen: Is this the right place? For the date club?
Tilly: Come in, come in. What’s your name?
Helen: Helen. Helen Jones. Is Pam here yet?
Tilly: Pam…
Helen: Pamela Lyons.
Tilly: No -not checked in yet. Oh yes – she’s on my list.
Helen: I hope you don’t mind. I brought some date slice for everyone to try.
Tilly: Oh, lovely. Well perhaps we can have a bit later.
Tanya: We live in hope.
Helen: Of course – I brought enough for 40 people. Will that be enough?
Tilly: More than enough, thank you so much.
Tanya: 40! You didn’t say it was an orgy!
Tilly: No, no. It’s alright. It’s a small group – but very select I’m sure. There’s just me, and 4 of you.
Tanya: Oh. Well, I have to say I was expecting a few more than that, but /….
Helen: Pam should be here soon. Probably having trouble on the bus. Nigel won’t get Morgan out after dark you see.
Tilly: Nigel?
Helen: Her husband.
Tanya: Husband? Are they part of the pineapple brigade? Keys in the middle?
Helen: Pardon?
Tanya: You know. Do they swing?
Helen: Well yes. Years back they used to do ballroom dancing classes. Not for years though. Her knees, you see. I think they just watch Strictly these days.
Tanya: What’s Strictly got to do with it?
Tilly: Sadly, none of us are getting any younger, are we?
Tanya: Speak for yourself. Mind you, I wouldn’t mind getting my hands on that Anton Du Beak.
Helen: Du Beke.
Tanya: That’s what I said – Anton Du Beak.(SFX: Crashing and banging from off stage.)
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